Thursday, March 27, 2008

your new bicycle

Reason #287 for my hatred of America's health care: the 806 more dollars I suddenly owe for stuff that went down over six months ago.

Somebody please fix this broken system.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008


I've got a thing or two to discuss with you, Utah.

Item 1: Traffic. So you finally recognized what we've all known for ages, that the traffic in Utah Valley has gotten absurd. Apparently you thought the answer to this was installing a metering light at the Orem Center Street entrance to I-15. One car per green, eh. That's sure to clear things right up. I'm not sure about the status of University Parkway, 800 North, and 1600 North's entrances. I know Provo Center Street has remained intact. I was pretty annoyed about having to pause before I merged the other day, but really it's just an indication of a problem that was already there, nothing that new. But is this really the best solution you could come up with?

Item 2: Ice cream. Seriously, residents? You can keep Leatherby's, Cold Stone, Baskin Robbins, Coney's, the Malt Shoppe, Hogi Yogi, Provo Fro-Yo, Dairy Queen, the Creamery, and Sub Zero in business, but you cannot sustain one little Ben & Jerry's? Don't you know this was the best ice cream you had going for you? Now this one I feel some personal responsibility for. I won't lie, there have been times when I've thought, "man, a scoop of Sweet Cream and Cookies with hot fudge sure sounds delicious right now," and haven't acted on that impulse. Shame on me. I should have never failed you, Ben & Jerry's. I'll never forget the joy you brought to my life when you opened up within walking distance from my apartment at a time when I didn't have a car. I'm sorry my loyalty wasn't strong enough. I should have been in line every week. But to an even greater extent, shame on Utah County for apparently opting for any other of the multitude of ice cream shops here over the one that was clearly the best, and is now gone.

Item 3: D-League basketball. Sorry Utah Flash, but I'm not sure your best marketing is in flaunting how Morris Almond used to be in the NBA, and now he plays for you. League leading scorer though he may be, it still puts far too much emphasis on his demotion. You might as well put up a billboard that says, "These guys are worse than the basketball you already know and love! Come check them out!"

You can go ahead and get back to me when you've come up with viable responses to the above matters. I know you've got it in you, you can work like honeybees after all. Let's keep our deseret lovely.

Friday, March 7, 2008

whoa whoa whoa whoa

World, check this out:

Rare White Killer Whale Spotted

(too excited to keep talking)

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

wal-mart baby

This was the coolest thing that happened today:Yeah, totally awesome day. I couldn't even fully appreciate this odometric phenomenon because it just reminded me of a really terrible movie, one which is easily confused with an equally terrible movie that came out the year before. Not the high points of Natalie Portman's career, lemme tell ya.

Over the course of the past few hours, I have progressed from "I think I'm starting to get a cold" to "I am sick and probably going to die by sundown." I know I could have taken some Airborne®, but I don't trust schoolteachers to create my medicine. Give me a scientist or a doctor, please.